3 Ways to Negotiate Consent

The Wheel Of Consent enables 3 ways to create consent: requests, offers, and invitations. Here's how each of them works.

Requests

When there is something you want, or would like to receive, you make a request. You put your desire forward, hoping the other person is willing to set aside what they might prefer and go with what you would like.

The main ways to make a request are with questions which begin with “May I…?” and “Will you …?”

Asking for what we want is an inherently vulnerable thing. If it's hard for you, you're not alone. When making a request, you are revealing what you want, which can be a challenge. If making a request feels too vulnerable, you may prefer to put forward your desire differently - so you may make an offer instead.

Offers

When there is something you are willing to give, you make an offer. You are willing to set aside what you might prefer, and the other person is invited to bring their desire forward (asked what they want).

Examples of offers: “What would you like?” “What would be helpful right now?”

Offers often feel safer than requests because we don’t have to reveal what we want. We can sometimes avoid the vulnerability of requesting by “offering” instead, but of course that’s not a real offer.

How can you tell if your offer is real?

When you make a real offer, you are not attached to whether they accept it or not. If you feel disappointed or resentful or even angry, if they don't accept - it’s a pretty good sign it wasn’t a real offer. It’s a sign there was something you wanted - that would have been more honest as a request.

Invitations

What about those times when we are interested in something, but we only want the other person to join us if they are also interested? We don't actually want them to set aside their desires for ours. We want them to bring their desires forward too.

This is an invitation.

Invitations usually work best if you first disclose what you are interested in, so the other person can accurately gauge what's going on. Sometimes it helps to remind them to only say “Yes” if they are also interested, to make it clear their desires are also welcome.

Again, if you are avoiding the vulnerability of a request, you might make an invitation instead.

It usually feels less vulnerable or sounds nicer.

How this helps with consent negotiation

When we learn to distinguish between requests, offers, and invitations, we can be more honest. And we get more accurate answers!

There's another reason it helps to learn these distinctions. It requires you getting clear on what, exactly, it is that you want.

That lets you take responsibility for it, and that builds integrity.