Wanting To & Willing To: A Nuance of Navigating Consent Agreements

When you *want to* do something it's for you; your reasons, your pleasure, your preference. It may or may not involve others, but it's not to please them.

It can range from mild preference to burning desire. You put yourself first.

You don't always get what you want, but it's good to notice what it is, and practice the Art of Receiving - by Asking!

When you are *willing to* do something it's not for you, someone else wants it and you set your preference aside, temporarily.

Your willingness may range from "hell ya" to "only for you" to "just this once" or "only to here". You agree to something within your limits.

When you set the limit of your willingness, you can be generous within your limits, and practice the Art of Giving.

The Magic Question: "Who is It For?"

Knowing "Who is it for?" in any interaction brings clarity to Giving and Receiving.

Receiving is for you. Giving is for the other person. Receiving is about noticing and asking for what you want. Giving is about knowing and setting the limits of your willingness, so you can give joyfully!

The Wheel of Consent shows that "who it’s for" is a significant part of the consent agreement.

For example, if my hand is on your back, whether it’s for me, or for you, is a significant difference.

When we agree to do something with someone, is it from Wanting or Willing? Am I Receiving or Giving?

When we know the difference, our consent agreements can become more clear.

From: The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, by Betty Martin with Robyn Dalzen

Photo by Nikola Tomašić from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/tulips-with-yellow-and-pink-petals-wet-from-the-rain-16543260/

Photo by Nikola Tomašić from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/tulips-with-yellow-and-pink-petals-wet-from-the-rain-16543260/